If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
You Might Also Like
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
A man of commitment.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.