Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
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the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
same vibe as tangled headphones
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked