In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
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When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
what
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”