cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
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Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”