Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
You Might Also Like
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze