[at the general store]
me: one general please
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My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*