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Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either