Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
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noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.