My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
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If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
“TGIM!” – My liver
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.