WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
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New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress