me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
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Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”