How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
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Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My work here is done
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool