Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
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“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Very problematic
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…