I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
You Might Also Like
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
S O O N
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit