I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
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ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints