Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
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My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists