flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
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Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)