Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
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The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.