It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
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Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
The Weeknd is back
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀