My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
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Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Bruh PLEASE
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.