Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
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The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Important reminders
My brain is a bad influence on me
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks