Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
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Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Thoughts
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”