If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
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I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
You wish you had this many chins.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.