The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
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Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
my professor scared me for a second
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.