Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
You Might Also Like
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.