Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
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shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”