Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
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My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.