my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately