The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
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.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over