the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
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found this cool rock hiking today
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.