It do be feeling this way.
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FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard: