I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
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[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL