If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
“We will wed,” I threatened
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.