I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
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Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on