Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
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All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.