Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
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The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today