Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
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Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”