Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
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According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Feels
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
the Monday after daylight savings
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Before & after 😅
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu