Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
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I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
181.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car