“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
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when the buffet is more honest than your date
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out