I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
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karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Super Hand Dog Face
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure