‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
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If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.