Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
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Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
😂😂😂
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties