I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
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got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
need him