Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
You Might Also Like
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
this is uni
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
So creative 😂