(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
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I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me