If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
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deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.