Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
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Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner