I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
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my friends when i can’t do basic math
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Whisper out to librarians!
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.