wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
You Might Also Like
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities